So.. this is what it feels like huh?

So today was my first day of garde 10. Surprizingly it was absolutely no differnet than garde 9. Like sure despite differnet classes, teachers and peers were different but everything felt the same. As I waked to school with Jessica my tummy flipped and I couldn’t stop giggleing with excitment Unfortuately walking to school made my hair frizz and go curly. So I was pissed off. But after I calmed down a bit everything was just as it was left. I hugged and said hey to all of my past friends and talked about summers and boys and such. But it barely felt as if I went away for more than a week. Everyone was the same and I can’t say I am not happy about that. My first class is sadly math and only one normal person ahs it with me. But math is math it’s not supposed to be enjoyable. Second I have businesss. Which I thought would be my favourite class because I’m naturally gifted at it. BUT as it turns out my teacher is extremely buff. Which I must say is always good So that is deffinately my favourite class. My third is science. Nerdy teacher, lame teaching idea. Blah class. Last I have careers which is alright because my friend nattie is in it and I can bug the shit out of him So that’s grade ten in all of it’s glory. Shall be interesting. I already fell on the floor in the main hallway so I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Wake me up when september ends.

Time passes so fast. It doesn’t seem like it’s been a year since grade 9 has started. I don’t feel another year old and I don’t feel like I should be turning sixteen in a few months. As I look back on the past year I have changed so much. I have learned many lessons and have met a lot of interesting people. I have grown. I see so many things differnetly and I respect a great deal of life more. I am scared that life will pass me by. I loved every second of the past year; even the bad ones. I don’t want my life to flash by like a metor falling from the stars. I want to stay where I am for a while. For the first time life seems to make sense. I finally feel like I belong and that I am cared for. Life has it’s moments, for me this is one of the great ones. As I say goodbye to my grade 9 summer and I transform from a girl to a young women I can’t help but reflect on my past. As  whole I have gone though many stages and tarnsformations. The past year has been my biggest. I am finally myself and am happy of what that contains. The last year wouldn’t of been the same if I did not meet the people I did. My friends are the ones who really helped me chizzle away at the fossilized mask I had been wearing my whole life. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys. I have three more years with you guys and I find that insane. I hope time slows so we can make a few more memories. A place in my heart will always be reserved for you guys. To us the future class of 2011. I love you all.

Huh?

So I just wrote this giant blog about how messed up my relationship with my family is. It has sparked another huh? question. Why does it have to be so awkward to talk to your family about stuff? Family is always there. What’s that line? Friends are now but family is forever? something like that. So if family is the greatest thing ever, why is it so weird to talk to your parents about personal subjects? I find it easier to talk to my friends about personal subjects than my parents. Is it just an age thing? I don’t know but I want to learn. Post back.

That Ugly Duckling Grew Up To Be A Swan

It feels as if it was another life. My past was a lot different from the present. Right now I have lots of friends that love me for me and my stupidity, I have a boyfriend and the way I see things has changed drastically. I don’t think looks matter as much as other things like kindness but it definitely takes a toll on us. 

Up until grade six I thought my life was great. I thought everyone liked me, that I was pretty, smart and was one of the popular kids. I was blind. I didn’t notice the changes everyone was having. Everyone started to wear brand clothing and got their hair dyed and made little cliques. In grade six I became friends with three girls who at the time I thought were my best friends. But I know realize I was just a tag-a-long; a follower. Which I never pictured myself being… EVER. At that time I had messy dull in between blonde and brown hair, glasses which did not sit straight on my face and braces. Guy didn’t exactly find me attractive, nor did they have any sort of romantic feelings for me. I watched all my friends and classmates dance at dances and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I was very unhappy but at the time it didn’t dawn on me. I felt unattractive and had no confidence. I made myself that smart girl who sat at the back of the class, even thought I didn’t think I was smart either. I joined extra curricular clubs like safety patrolling and robotics, which just made it easier to fade away so no one would bother me.

I always wanted a best friend. Someone I could tell absolutely anything too and not worry about them telling anyone else. I thought I had three girls who were like that. But as I look back they weren’t anything close to a best friend. I had a sleep over for my birthday and at the time I had to wear a headset to bed. A week later everyone at school knew about it. I never went out with my friends because they never called me and if I called them they were always too busy. I was just a prop at school for them. As time went on I built up a shell to protect myself from being hurt by anyone at my school. If one of the “popular” kids would talk to me the shell would come out and I’d find myself somehow mocking them back. It didn’t help my situation. Graduation came and it was time to pick what high school to go to. In my town there are three possibilities. The ghetto school, the catholic school with uniforms, or the regular public school which everyone from my elementary school was going to. I decided to get away and break free from everyone that seemed to imprison me with comments of how I should improve myself. I was tired of feeling below everyone. I decided to go to the school that my father worked at; the catholic school.

Over that summer I dyed my hair a bright blonde, got contacts and got my braces off. I looked completely different. I looked the way i always thought of myself looking when I was little. I could be myself now. Looking different helped me break out of the shell I permanently built up. When high school started I didn’t know anyone, which made it easier to be the new me. I made friend fast and turned a lot of heads. I got my first boyfriend and I had a lot of guys that would jump off a bridge for me. Again I thought I was happy. But still something inside was turned off to my life. As many friends as I thought I had I still felt alone. I wasn’t happy with my boyfriend and his image. I was a fake. I was this fake me until march. My boyfriend and I split up and I needed my friends more than ever. Not having a boyfriend gave me lots of spare time to make my friendships stronger. I also had time to look at what I really wanted in a guy instead of jumping to the first guy that complimented me. I found who I really was under the years of wall building. 

Now I have many close friends who I’d trust my life to. I also have a guy that I still can’t believe is mine. I like who I am and I love my life. But the years that I spent thinking low of myself still shows sometimes. I still have issues about how I look. And every so often when I meet someone who is “popular” (or thinks they are; I have issues with the word popular, thats a different blog) a wall goes up and I become very defensive. But it’s getting easier to talk to people that think they are better than me and the people I am friends with. I don’t like judging people and I don’t think anyone should. Everyone is so different so it’s impossible for someone to be better than another person. I wish everyone could see this. 

Now when I look back on my past relationships with friends I realize I had some good ones. Two guys that I grew up with are still there for me and vise versa. I still talk to the three girls that carried me through the last two or three years of elementary school but we aren’t amazingly close. It seems when I am with them they try and put me back to thinking I am lower than them but my way of thinking has changed so it causes some friction when I don’t cooperate.

The song “get it together” by India Aire, is my life story. I don’t remember downloading it or ever listening to it but one day it just came blasting out of my ipod. It talks about friends and family hurting you and how you have to be strong and move on. When I looked up the lyrics I started to cry. Everything just fit. If anyone feels the way I did you can get out of feelings low. Everyone is special and amazing and you never have to hide from anyone. Hold you head high and stay strong. Life gets better but only if you take a step forward, no matter how hard it is to do so.

The line from the song that sticks out in my head all the time is: No one has the power to hurt you like your friends, thought it will never change but this time moved on, An ugly duckling grew up to be a swan

Him.

My family just moved into our new home. It has been a long few weeks with packing and moving our junk and that has taken a toll on my social life. I didn’t mind moving or not being able to see my friends for a long while… even though I missed them all very much. But it has been about two weeks since I have been able to see Tre. I did talk to him via cell phone for twenty minutes but that hardly compares to actually seeing him, so I decided to dedicate a blog to his awesome-ness. 

Me and Tre met first semester of grade nine. My friend cameron invited him out to dinner and bowling with us. But at that time I was in another relationship, but it was hard not to be taken in by Tre. Besides the fact that he is very good looking and is very muscular, he has a care free way of life and is always happy. When I met him I was nervous since it would just be us three I would have to make conversation with a total stranger at times, but Tre made it so easy. As soon as he got in the car he acted as if we were best friends; I felt completely at ease. He made fun of me a lot; like how I would turn my plate so what I was cutting at was closest to me and how I would always get more straws (it was because I  am awesome-er.) He also made me laugh a lot and still does. I was attracted to him but I knew my heart was not mine to give anymore and left it at that. Tre and I would talk now and then but we were never close friends until second semester. We both had geography with one of the worst teachers ever. Normally I wouldn’t sit with two guys by myself but Tre and Jeff were the only ones I was friends with. My relationship at that time was becoming rocky and I went to the both of them for advice all the time. When my relationship finally fell through I spent the whole geography class trying not to let the teacher see me cry while Jeff and Tre helped me through it. That break up was hard for me and Jeff and Tre saw me at my worst and heard me say things I never thought I would. Tre made sure I knew I could talk to him. He built my self esteem back up and with that I fell for him. I didn’t think I would move on so fast from my nine month relationship nor did I think anyone would want to date me. Tre was there for me as a friend and as a boyfriend when I needed it. I will always be thankful for everything he did.

When we first started out I was so nervous around him. Tre wasn’t like my previous boyfriend. He had looks, charm, wit and a smile that made me melt. I would and still do stumble over my words and blush over everything around him. We spent a lot of time together and I learned a lot about him. The more I learned the more I was surprised to find out that I love everything about him. We shared our first kiss on the bus ride back from our toronto geography field trip. 

In ten days it will be our fourth month together. It hasn’t been long but I have loved every second of having him in my life. We both hope that we can last forever… as cheesy as that is:P So this is to you hun! I love you so much.