Even if you have nothing you have family. I have heard this so many times and have seen it through tv, movies and friends. I know many people that are very close with their family and love them very much. But me, I don’t know. Today we were celebrating my sister’s twenty-third birthday. My mother gave her her gift; a ring with her favourite stone. She started crying and hugged my Mother tightly. I felt uneasy being in the room during this explosion of love. I have always felt this way; like I didn’t belong.
I will first describe my family situation. I have two older sisters who both now live on their own and a mom and a dad. My sisters and I share the same mother but their father died when they were young and married my father years later and had me. My father had resentment towards my sisters. I am not sure why but my mom always said it was because they were not blood related to them, so he treated me better. I often heard this while growing up; how I was the golden child to my dad and how both of my sisters had it harder.I harbored resentment and guilt for this reason. I would feel bad if my dad would say I could go out with my friends and skip dish duty.
When I was little I was close to my dad. We would play baseball and basketball together but my mom would get mad at my dad for not spending enough time with her. So our relation ship fizzled away; now I find it hard to even talk to him.
I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mother either. I don’t have a lot of respect for her. I know it’s sad but as I got older she appeared to get dumber and lazier. My dad would always say she didn’t do anything around the house (She is a stay at home mom and she doesn’t do laundry, clean or dishes). When I was young I didn’t pay attention and didn’t notice the truth. But now after moving and watching her sit on the couch while we moved heavy boxes up and down stairs it hit me.
Both the relationship with my parents leave me with no parental figure to talk to and is the main reason I started this blog. My father has a lot of anger inside of him; I think due to my mothers attitude. My mother sees the horrible side of life and drinks away her pain (it doesn’t work). They both complain all the time and when asking me to do something for them they don’t ask they order. I have lately pointed out that whenever they talk to me they talk in an angry tone on the boarder of yelling. They deny it and say I have attitude. I am a teenager and I know sometimes I have an edge to them but I usually mimic their tone of voice.
My main issue with my mom is that she drinks a lot and doesn’t do anything active. She basically sits around and feels sorry for herself. I know she lost a husband but she doesn’t have to dwell on it so much. It has been about 20 years that he passed and she has had more than enough time to get her life back in order. Thanks to her I will never abuse alcohol and I have a fear of being over-weight so I take good care of my body. My father on the other hand has anger issues and is racist. Not outwardly racist. Like he won’t treat someone who is Indian mean but he will make comments behind their back and things like that. As bad as that is, Tre is black. Tre for now is a secret from my parents because I am not allowed to date until I am 16. It’s hard having to hide the happiness he gives me from my parents. I wish I could tell htem how sweet he is and how much he makes me want to live my life. But on top of that my mom has told me that my father is afraid that me and Tre might get together someday. He said it would be the worst thing I could ever do to him. I cried so hard when I heard that. Someone who makes me feel good about myself and happy could cause my dad pain. Before Tre I dealt with his racist comments but now it hurts me. His anger doesn’t help either. He can blow up on a dime and it makes it hard to even look at him when he is happy. Now when he asks me a simple question like how are you, I just grunt back pretending that I’m tired.
My sisters are greta people. Both are so different and have gone through enough issues with my dad. They understand how difficult they can be but they won’t try and get my mom to stop drinking. They must see how it’s hurting her and me but it’s like they are purposely looking away. They both have been hurt by my dad so they have a bias opinion of him. If I tell them anything they would run back to them and spill out every detail they had about what I said. My middle sister was a trouble maker when she was a teenager so my parents and eldest sister are tighter with rules and watching over me. I cannot talk to either of my sisters because I can’t trust them. They say they are always there but if I say anything it some how leaks out. That isn’t being there for me.
Usually when my sisters come home to visit I zone out. I get very grumpy and avoid causing any fights with either of them. I end up just sitting there listening to my ipod or loosing myself in a book. But on the odd occasion I would open up about something. Only to my mom and sisters; it’s too weird with my dad. But after talking for a straight five minutes I feel funny. Apart of me is screaming stop; like part of me doesn’t want this closeness. Then I shut off again. I believe it’s something physiological that is keeping me from getting hurt like I have by my family.
I don’t have a mind like a normal teenager. I see things differently than all of the other girls my age; which makes it hard to find a close girl friend whom I don’t piss off. I hate feeling this way with my family. I really wish I was close and loved them all. But with my parents constantly yelling at each other for barely no reason and my sisters having a scar that my father put on their hearts it makes it hard. My father has said many times during screaming fights with my mom that “he’s had enough and is going to f****ing leave” that I have cried enough tears over them. My true fear is that I will be a divorce child; I really don’t think I would be strong enough to go through it. My father told me about a week ago that if I wasn’t around he would have left my mom. He said that he saw what a divorce did to my cousin and he wouldn’t put me through that because he loves me. It hurt more than anything to know that. To know that he wants to leave, that he doesn’t love my mom. That this whole relationship that I am supposed to use as an example for my future relationships is a lie. This is why I believe I can’t get close to my family. My greatest fear since I can remember. Growing up with yelling and swearing has scared me too. I am too afraid to get close because deep down I know it could end and it could end me. I am a strong person. I can take being put down and feeling low about myself but my shell has been this home and as much as I wish it was different it’s all I have to keep me going. If it was gone I would be too.
I want to tell my parents everything. I want to email my dad this blog and have him read it. I want them to know my secret about Tre. I want them to share the happy glow he gives me. But I can’t. I will never be able to. My friends and Tre are the only positive things I am seeing right now. I look to them and my future to help me see the light at the end of this dark tunnel. I love you mom and dad, Shauna and Andrea. But I don’t know how long I can stay this way. The way you think you are helping me grow up healthy and smart is tearing me from the inside. The tears I cry at night because of this feel like acid. There’s some things I should tell you but I will never be able to. I don’t want to hurt you because you hurt each other. Maybe one day when I am grown up and have my own life to live I can help you all in every way imaginable. Just please hold on tight until I can hold myself up without trampling on all of you. I am sorry I am here. I am sorry I am the way I am. I am sorry I cause you shame and have to lie to you about my happiness. I wish you all knew. I wish you knew.
