Confused

Secret #18

I am confused all the time. I am not smart. I don’t actually know whats going on. Fake it until you make it.

Guilty

I am guilty. I confess to my sins. I judge, I lie, I repent. I am sorry. I am sorry for yelling, for losing my temper, and for not trusting you. I am guilty of being a hypocrite. I did everything I asked you not too. I am sorry. If you were to take me to court for being an awful person, I, would be guilty.

I feel guilty too. My stomach crawls and lurches. I ache and feel sick. I worry and fret. I do not sleep, I do not smile. I think. I ponder and ponder. I wish I could take back all of the things I have done.

I dug my grave, deep and dark. I must lay down and allow the soil drape over me. I cannot go back; cannot climb out. I must accept what I have done, turn over in my grave. Allow life to move on. Play the hand I have dealt to my best ability.

That’s my life here. Until I can get away. Run away, fast and hard. Escape this guilt. Escape the sleepless nights filled with dark shadows that dance around my mind. Memories are now haunted. Choices seem bleak.

I am guilty of feeling happy. I allow myself to mask my feelings, allow myself to be with who I should not. He is older, does that matter? Friends. Close friends. Scared and guilty. This is my life now.

I am guilty, and I am sorry.

Wow how things can change…

Twenty-four hours ago I was happy. Nothing was bad or hurtful. There was no thought in my head that would make me doubt the one that I love. I often wonder if my jealousy and paranoia come from my childhood o from my parents, or if it’s just the way I am. I really hate doubting what people tell me. I hate feeling as if I am being lied to about something so important but yet it happens so often. 

My last relationship fell through the cracks. We both blamed each other as normal breakups go but I was sure that it was all my ex’s fault. I honestly thought that everything I did was the right thing to do and that I hardly over-reacted. It was all his fault for my unhappiness. But as time moved on I realized it was all me; despite what my close friends say. I was the one who picked and picked and picked at every little thing to cause a fight; just like my mother does. I was also the one who got insanely jealous and said things I really didn’t mean. And yes he did act horribly to get me to break up with him, but can you blame him? He was dating the greened eyed monster.

Now I have moved on from him and learned a great deal about myself and relationships but I still have these insane feelings of insecurity. Last night my friend was in need of cheering up and a confidence booster. I told my boyfriend (who was her ex) to talk to her. I told him forget me and say whatever it takes to make her happy. He asked me more than once if I was sure, I said I was; but I wasn’t. I made another mistake. I started feeding the monster that lives inside my hollow body. He told her that she looked attractive today and if I wasn’t around he didn’t know what he would do. Harsh I know. My friend told me what he said and it was like a direct blow to my heart. My body went numb from the hurt I felt and my hands quivered rapidly. I asked him if he meant it, of coarse he said no and that he only really looks at me. What else could he say even if he did mean it? I kept feeding the monster more and more pain and grief helping it slowly take over my thoughts. Those words did cheer up my friend even though she did not believe him. She told me how she didn’t look at my boyfriend in that way so it wouldn’t matter. I talked to him and he told me not to worry and we talked late into the night about our relationship and how much we love each other. This made me happy for a short time. The green monster had been awakened so nothing mattered now. After I went to bed it started feeding on my good thoughts. It made me think of all the dark things that could be twisted out of the good. I sat there for many hours until daylight stewing in a dark cloud of envy, fear and sadness. I awoke groggy and with tensed muscles. I talked to my older friend who gives me advice on everything. He always helps me feel better. His advice: Dump him. A guy shouldn’t even be able to think what he wrote to my friend.

So here I am. My little green monster who I managed to bare down for a few months is back again for another strike to ruin my relationship. Sadly since only half my brain is in favour of my boyfriend I don’t know what to do. I do know that the confused part of my brain is the green monster talking and not me and the part that wants to stay with him is me. So how can I deny what the real part of my brain wants? I care too much for him for my jealousy to get in the way. It’s just funny how one night can change your whole perspective on a person. I guess all you can say is Wow how things can change… I have seen so many things change in my life so fast that fearing it isn’t an option anymore.